I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
