Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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