FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
