Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
