at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
