last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
