totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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