Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Someone shattered a urinal.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
