Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
