What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
