yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
