It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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