I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
