She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
