This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
