i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
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