Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
