that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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