I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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