he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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