If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Randomize
