He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
