Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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