why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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