So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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