I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
