Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I wish you could order shots online.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
