Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
