Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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