i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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