She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
