So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
