there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
