I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
