At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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