my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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