I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
