Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
