her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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