you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
