PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
