what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
