Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
