i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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