woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
