Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
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