Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
