Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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