im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
