: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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